Proud of Ourselves (and, uh...me)

M. and I feel proud that we took this journey. We always said we would continue to travel with kids. But, admittedly, fear almost stopped us. To be clear, my fear almost stopped us.

Those who know me well are aware that I have been struggling with some pretty intense anxiety over the past few years since becoming a mother. But as I'm journeying towards self awareness, I realize that it has been part of me for much of my life. What's that? I should seek therapy for it? You're right...know anyone good? Ha! That's the irony. I am trained to help others deal with anxiety. "If only I could follow my own advice". A little therapist joke. Aren't we a hilarious bunch?

Actually, I think it will help me in working with my own clients, because I understand how pervasive and debilitating it can be. And in truth, all therapists see other therapists. It's part of being good at your job. In the meantime, while we've been here, I have been using strategies and techniques I use with clients on myself. But it's still an issue I confront on a daily basis.

So how did it affect our trip? M. and I had always planned on taking this sabbatical in France, but at the last minute, we changed our plans. Bali was actually my idea, but M. jumped at it. But practically as soon as the proposition cane out of my mouth, I started to worry.

Almost all of my worries centre on the kids' health and safety. Obviously every parent is concerned for their kids to an extent. But mine go overboard.

Where Bali is concerned, I was worried about rabies. There has been a rabies crisis in Bali since 2008, with thousands of dogs and monkeys infected, and a couple hundred human deaths. It is possible to get the vaccine as a preventative measure, but it's not really recommended because it is costly and involves multiple shots, which would be traumatic for the kids. So you just hope not to be bitten, and deal with getting the shots if you are. But small children are at a particular risk because they might not report bites. So I was sh$@&ing myself about that.

Then there are the mosquito bourne illnesses. Malaria isn't much of a problem in Bali, and our travel doctor said anti malarials weren't necessary (if they had been, that would probably have been a deal breaker). But Dengue fever is common. So that means slathering our kids with bug repellant, which isn't my favorite thing to do. And they still get bites anyway sometimes.

Then there's the fact that Big J is at an age when he regularly gets cuts and scratches, and Little J Crawls around on the ground and puts everything in her mouth. Can you say infection, and parasite?

Of course, there's Hepatitis A and B and Typhoid.

I haven't even gotten to dangerous roads, non existent traffic lights, broken "sidewalks" that often have gaping holes in them, and insane traffic. There were no car seats for Big J, so *gasp*, we had to have to sit him in the back seat with a seatbelt. Can you believe crazy people (our parents, in the 70s, for example) would do that? We did travel with Little J's car seat, I insisted upon that.

Then there's the complete lack of fences around any pool. And have we discussed the lack of medical care in the Gili Islands, the speed boat to get there over the open sea? Sharp coral on the beach?

Oh, hello. You can't drink the water in Indonesia. Not even to brush your teeth. Little J still drinks bottles. So this means washing all her bottles in bottled water, and brushing our teeth with it. Our first day in Ubud, she took a full gulp of the bath water.

Are you stressed out yet? I was.

But part of the workings of an anxious mind is the distortion of reality . In technical terms, these thought patterns are called Cognitive Distortions. Wrong thinking. Assuming that the absolute worst case scenario WILL happen. Which of course is possible, but very rare. Any of the above are probably less risky than getting behind the wheel of a car in Toronto.

Living life meaningfully involves taking risks. Calculated risks, of course. But risks, nonetheless. We decided that the pay offs would be great, and that most likely, everything would be fine.

M. has been a key player in helping me to realize when I'm going off the deep end. But what is really driving me to get things under control is that I refuse to stop him or our kids from experiencing the richness life on this planet has to offer because of my own neuroses. Okay, I'll stop them sometimes. But not always.

It is a work in progress. But boy, oh boy. I deserve MAD props. We took two small kids to a developing nation, travelled to 5 different locations, kept everyone in one piece, and had a blast in the process.

Taking my (our) bow.

Glad that's done. I've got worrying about tomorrow's journey home to do...